There is something I never understood about the relationship we had, even after we got pre-engaged, you were still looking for ways “I needed to be doing better.” I needed to not disappoint you, at all, or else you would leave me. Instead of loving the entire whole unique person who I am, you would have this need to just threaten me with breaking up “unless I changed.” And that to me, it’s so toxic and makes you feel like you’re not enough. Why would you be with someone for a year expecting someone to be a different person? Why couldn’t you see the person who I was and love me for who I was and who I was becoming. Instead of basing your commitment to our relationship exclusively on whether or not I lived up to your expectations of me that day.

The day I cried at leaving. You were mad at me, for not living up to your expectations, “of how things ought to be”. You didn’t respect my freedom of choice, you treated me like the “kid”, you thought I was.

The day I was upset while home, you told me that ruined the feeling for you, because you didn’t want me to be sad. But why couldn’t you understand that I was struggling against my family, that it was hard to say good bye to my “fiancée”. And like you repeatedly stated, it wasn’t about the “feeling”, love isn’t about that, much less after making a promise of pre-engagement, it’s about valuing that person, as flawed as they were, as someone who you couldn’t help but love.

You didn’t see me, you saw a version of me you thought you would change and adapt around “the perfect partner”, without valuing the stuff and dedication I brought and did for you.

I put in so much effort, like you described, and you never stopped and thought, maybe she wants me to show I value her love for me, I value her effort. The trips we planned, the promises we made.

Instead, you decided to talk to someone else about your insecurities with your “fiancée”, and to leave her out in the cold, despite your promises of commitment and communication.

I feel I give you too much credit sometimes, I think, oh she's a good person, she'll of course apologise for raping me and things will be done and I won't have to suffer any more.

She didn't mean to groom you when you were 18, she didn't mean to abuse you or to threaten you with killing you, she didn't mean to lie to you, she didn't mean to cheat on Han Kyul.

But it just seems like I was being too trusting of you. Like you are actually a bad, narcissistic person who doesn't care about her family, friends, lovers, anyone but herself.

And if you're actually sorry for hurting me, for ruining my entire 18th year, for causing me pain, for making it so that I can't think about sex without having a panic attack, please get over your condescending self-righteous imperative, understand you're not an angel, and call with me about it, so that we can find peace.

I am very scared you will rape another 18 year old virgin, I am genuinely terrified of it, I worry that you will continue abusing or rape Han Kyul. If you want to know why I am so worried about you, it's because I worry for the people around my rapist, and them being safe.

You clearly mistreat your family, you clearly mistreat your lovers, do you just mistreat everyone and then tell yourself you've never done anything wrong?

One of the first conversations we ever had, was me telling you you made me feel safe, and you telling me "dear you should feel safe around me, I'm very (something)". But you threatened with having me bleed to death in front of your house, you had Han Kyul text me "I'm a lost cause", although I am a teenager, you convinced Han Kyul that the teenager you groomed was the devil and you did nothing wrong.

WTF, why? Why would you do, say or act like this?

And then you ask me why I would report you to the cops and to your friends. YOU RAPED ME, YOU GROOMED ME, YOU ABUSED ME, YOU MADE ME YOUR FIANCÉE THEN DUMPED ME, YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. All my friends were worried for me because of you.

Instead of filing a police report and sharing online, I thought I would give my ex-fiancée another chance and talk to her about her raping me, because I like to think it's better to forgive those we've loved than to ruin their lives, basically. However, this person does not seem to give a flying fuck about being outed as a rapist and an abuser, and seems to feel no regret, so I feel like, "Oh, then I have to talk to the cops first so it doesn't happen to any other teenagers," but my parents don't really support me and I have university tomorrow. And less than a survivor, I feel like a broken failure from all of this.

I know that, as a rape survivor, I need to speak out to protect other future victims, but at the same time, we were together for so long, I still feel deep affection towards her despite all of it.

She framed it, and her constant abuse, as a "simple mistake" and when I spoke with a friend, she made it clear that hey, that's just what manipulators are going to try to do, to gaslight you.

Like how can you call grooming a teenager, later abusing her constantly and after almost a year, raping her when she visits you, "simply a mistake"? It's, for starters, a jail crime, and it is so hurtful towards the person you made a promise of marrying some day, and of wanting to be with for the rest of your life.

btw, yesterday when i brought up my text you mentioned you thought i was kind of ace and i told you i am.
i don’t feel i need sex. and i don’t crave for sex nor pursue it.
but sometimes, i’ll imagine scenarios and wonder if i’d enjoy them, that doesn’t make me any less ace.

plus, like i’ve told you countless times, i hate labels, i reject most labels. and those include sexual labels.

labels exemplify the worst, the slow death, of language. you abandon your communication in favor of some predetermined, adjective defined by someone else.
that is not me, i’m not predefined, i define myself, and i don’t and won’t let anyone fit me into a little neat box… of sexuality in this case.

what is my sexuality? irrelevant. my sexuality is rozasexual because i’m in love with roza. i’m not in love with anyone else…
am i asexual? i don’t know. sometimes i have some libido and most of the time i don’t, but that’s none of anyone’s business beside mine, and in this case yours.

i’ll accept the term lesbian, for socializing purposes, like for lesbian meet up groups, but it isn’t a term i feel connected to in any way, or that i feel truly defines me.

you panic when i ask for stuff, because you’re scared that i’m going to be upset? because you’re frustrated about something?

i should be less dependent

what bums me is that now that i’m going to sleep at a reasonable time i wake up and you haven’t slept and i end up feeling like unless i stay up all night or wake up at 5 am to insist to you and mother you to sleep, you will just not sleep enough.

and so i end up feeling bad to sleep because if i have to choose between me sleeping and you not and you sleeping and me not, i’m gonna choose the latter every single time. and i’ll have to stay up in order to get you to sleep.

and whatever i end up choosing, i feel like i’m losing. i think you owe me that you’re going to be adult enough to sleep more than 4 hours without me insisting.

because that’s a promise you made me make you but promises go both ways.

i’m in the bathroom crying to this, i’m sorry rozi but today i feel like i can’t keep doing this any longer.

we can’t stay friends, we can’t stay like this, for a year longer.

it feels like there’s this part of me, this part of me that fuels happiness, that pushes my heart to pump.

it’s like it’s missing when you’re not there.

it’s like, even if it’s there, it’s absent, always distracted looking in your direction.

and it cries, because it craves something i don’t know how to give it.

last thing on my mind, you told me right at the end of last year that you wanted to be my partner in crime, and a partner in crime is by definition a platonic partner, someone you prioritize and are emotionally intimate with, a gf but without the kissing and without the sex,

but when this year started some of the first things you told me was that “you’re gonna prioritize your in person relationships”, and you’d just fail to talk to me,

and that to me felt completely incongruent, like here’s this person who tells me vivi you’re my platonic partner but doesn’t treat me like one

i’m still planning on taking the month break i told you about i NEED it, i don’t want it, but i really really need it.

i want the break, and in the meantime, i want you to give me a definite answer on the kind of relationship we’re gonna have.

because 2023 rozi was amazing but 2024 roza is so much different, and to me, she’s just terrible.

what happened, how did we go from me spending christmas eve and the 30th of december together and you wanting to introduce me to your girlfriend and friends in new year’s eve, to you treating me like i’m the most unimportant person you’ve ever met?

having trouble understanding that you told me you’re someone who doesn’t love for a certain period, but for a long time, yet you act like this with me.

liars are the reason our world is as ugly as it is.

people lying to their friends, telling their friends they love them when it isn’t true, making the people around you think you’re a version of you that’s untrue.

i’m paranoid.

i don’t understand my relationship with Rozi.

sometimes i think to myself and i feel like she sees me as just one of her many internet friends.

other times she tries to make me blush.

what’s her deal?

i don’t think she knows what she wants.

it’s on me to figure it out.

but whenever i tell her i don’t like this and that, she will just say sorry, say she’ll do better and stay silent.

this isn’t a very good way of fixing issues we may have, even though apparently i’m the only one with issues at any given time?

she’s told me about how exhausting i can be sometimes and i think i’m doing better at being a little bit less needy.

i don’t know… i don’t know at all.

maybe i just have too little trust on her, but do i have reasons to trust her?

like the the other day? what did it mean? i don’t know. i assume it’s friendly of course but i don’t know. does she have a problem with calling me pretty?

i’m frankly confused.

i just woke up, to my surprise fully dressed, and without clean teeth.

last night, i was lying in bed, in complete dark, embracing a big pillow.
i would picture you in my mind, and then i would start listening to my heart, and its beating would accelerate, i didn’t remember if this kind of thing had ever happened before… but i guessed it must have.

then, i started doing something i haven’t really done in months, i started transposing you into the pillow i was embracing within my arms.

and then i started feeling differently. i’m still unsure if it was because of the stress i’d felt earlier, but, i started thinking back to what you’d said about how ashamed you felt you’d been flirting with me… and i didn’t want you to feel ashamed of yourself, shame is such an awful thing to feel.

that thought soon just melted into a feeling.
i knew how i felt and i asked myself.
i traced this feeling back to that monday, between the call when we were lying in bed and you told me talking to me made your heart beat warm, and the call when i told you i had something i needed to tell you, you played detective, and i confessed i was a little in love.

i hope you can relate to the feeling, it’s a feeling unfettered. i didn’t understand why today.

i thought to myself “i must have done this precise thing before, after some of our other calls,” but i couldn’t remember feeling this intensely.

so i finally decided to stop thinking.
and only feeling, all i could i feel was love, pouring to you from my heart.